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11 January 2005 : Stories of Self-Promotion, Part 1: Don't Mess With Grandmother - Pacific Novelties [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
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11 January 2005 : Stories of Self-Promotion, Part 1: Don't Mess With Grandmother [Feb. 16th, 2007|08:11 am]
Pacific Novelties

pacific_novelty

[zartan]
[music |Boney M - Rasputin]

A couple of years ago, I was processing the library's mail, and I came across a fat packet from "Local Author, Maceo Rodgers #605704". I scanned it. All the highlighting was in the original.





31-DAYS OF PURE HELL ! ! !

In the tradition of truck dealerships and chain fast food restaurants, the author plays up the Texas angle in an attempt to pique curiosity, play on our (presumed) Texan pride, and, apparently, win sympathy. Every Texan, should go out of the way supporting this local Texan, author. In later pages, he will explain exactly how we can go about doing this.

Oh, what's this? Oh. Oh. This explains the number after his name on the return address: he is writing from prison.



Don't Mess With Grandmother is an un - put - down - able page burner, and is highly recommended for Houston, Texas. I haven't read the book, and I can't find a listing for it in OCLC WorldCat (which means that not a single library—not even one in Texas!—has supported this local Texan, author by adding Don't Mess With Grandmother to its collection), so I don't have any idea why the book is recommended for Houston specifically. The SNEAK PEEK available online leads me to believe it takes place in Ohio. Huh.

The sequel is first mentioned here. It's mentioned several more times throughout the letter, and I don't think that the title is the same twice.



Needless to say, the author and his niece did not come to the library to do a book signing, and we opted not to hang up flyers and posters to promote the book. I actually would have loved to have seen the poster; I cannot even imagine what it must have looked like, if it even existed in the first place. I don't know why he signed the number 05 and his niece's name to the letter, but all right.

I really do hope his grandmother had a nice time in Texas, though.



The author has made his niece a character in that sequel he mentioned; in her own words, she will "play as my uncle daughter A new lamb wanted by the Gate-keeper". That... that is sort of weird and disturbing. "In this new book," she continues, "my uncle has done something original from many author's He has ut lize our whole entire family as characters..."

From this, I'm guessing that Ray Ray, or the author writing as Ray Ray (I sort of have my doubts about the authenticity of anything in this letter beyond the existence of the book itself), has read much fiction. I think Stephen King, just to pull a name you might have heard of out of a hat, made himself a pivotal character at the end of those Dark Tower books. Oh, and I read a story in which a stand-in for the author, a grown man whose life seems to be defined by his battle with ADD, has sex with Daria and then dies (unrelated incidents). Sorry, kid, it's just not that new of a maneuver.

Hey, let's get a better look at that cover—is that dripping blood?



Yes. Yes, it is. And I am guessing that this is Grandmother. Who is murdered for her fortune and, subsequently, is not to be messed with.



Don't Mess With Grandmother was never made into a major motion picture.

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Comments:
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[User Picture]From: zartan
2007-02-16 06:52 pm (UTC)
I'm going to go out on a limb and bet that a video store here in Rosenberg has got a copy of Ice Grill for us to enjoy. It's the Story of Players with Bling-Bling!
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[User Picture]From: solidbox
2007-02-17 03:24 am (UTC)
Ice Gril is suggested viewing for the next SGE. However, I will tell you that it is fucking crazy, and by fucking crazy, I mean it's nothing but people calling eachother "nigga, brutha" for two hours.
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[User Picture]From: transfestunerix
2007-02-16 06:29 pm (UTC)
Ha ha hwa! I'm glad to see that, even if only because I always assumed that was your highlighting.

I wanted to mention this some weeks ago, but didn't think its five star review quite matched up to the others you'd posted.

GREAT BOOK...... IS AN UNPUT-DOWNABLE BOOK..... HAS YOU WANTING TO KEEP ON READING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

Ideally, that's what books do, yes. This is spookily similar to the description of a depressing little DOS game called "Helious I" that I've never figured out how to enjoy. Not surprisingly, both promise sequels I've never wanted.
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[User Picture]From: zartan
2007-02-16 06:50 pm (UTC)
You were actually the first person to see this, way back when; the highlighting is indeed all courtesy of the author (I like how he's helpfully highlighted Keyword: grandmother on the third page). This is the sort of treasure one presents as-is.

Something about that review—call me cynical!—struck me as a little suspect, so one easy Google search later and:

There's also a MySpace page that is too brain-fuckingly dumb to link. It's easy enough to find, though.

Well, I'll be damned. She is real! And not too terribly bright, if her comments here (summary: MY FRIEND WHO SHOT AND KILLED A GUY IS NOT A BAD PERSON, SO QUIT HATING) are any indication.
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[User Picture]From: ahamster
2007-02-16 07:59 pm (UTC)
Sevuhnteen, as opposed to the Stevie Nicks pronunciation "Sevahnteen"? Also:

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[User Picture]From: zartan
2007-02-16 08:14 pm (UTC)
Single? Ladies, seriously, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR

And Maceo even lists Zane as a MySpace friend! Pacific Novelty: it all comes full circle.
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[User Picture]From: ahamster
2007-02-16 08:40 pm (UTC)
Oh, and for completeness, Ray Ray's MySpace is also completely worth checking out.



It includes pictures of her with one "ELTON...MUH BIG BRO" Tate (get out soon), whose girlfriend/babymamma posted to one of his pictures, "Just wait and see what our bomb asz sex created.....LOL."

Words fail me.
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[User Picture]From: potlan
2007-02-16 08:55 pm (UTC)


You know what she means, but somehow this brings to mind an adventure at the waterworks gone horribly wrong.
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[User Picture]From: ahamster
2007-02-16 09:14 pm (UTC)
Oh my, yes. I am thinking of either Augustus Gloop or Action Park.
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[User Picture]From: potlan
2007-02-17 01:14 am (UTC)
One of Action Park's safer attractions was a miniature golf course. Still, the course was known to have problems with snakes due to the nearby wooded area.

Off-topic, that is the most entertaining Wikipedia page I have ever read.
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[User Picture]From: ahamster
2007-02-17 06:50 am (UTC)
Awesome, that was my favorite line too. Whoever wrote that page did a wonderful job!
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[User Picture]From: transfestunerix
2007-02-17 07:37 pm (UTC)
It is in appropriate violation of standard wikipedia protocol.
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[User Picture]From: ahamster
2007-02-17 09:39 pm (UTC)
In other words, worth reading.
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[User Picture]From: transfestunerix
2007-02-17 10:17 pm (UTC)
Well, I thought you had established that well enough!
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[User Picture]From: ahamster
2007-02-17 10:28 pm (UTC)
I did, but that was just too good of a straight line to pass up. :D
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[User Picture]From: transfestunerix
2007-02-18 02:43 am (UTC)
Oh, you scamp.
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[User Picture]From: zartan
2007-02-16 10:02 pm (UTC)
I... I have no idea what she means, actually.
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[User Picture]From: potlan
2007-02-17 01:19 am (UTC)
She's talking about... actually, you know, I'm not exactly sure what she's talking about either. Besides, the ambiguity is worth preserving for the sake of the excellent mental image.
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[User Picture]From: griphus
2007-02-17 02:58 am (UTC)
$1568
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[User Picture]From: solidbox
2007-02-17 03:26 am (UTC)
This looks like an Achewood comic. Next thing you know, Ray Ray will be eating nachos for every meal on his birthday.
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[User Picture]From: transfestunerix
2007-02-17 07:29 pm (UTC)
Ah yes, those were the days.

Please don't go Ray Ray, you have so much to teach us. I want to figure you out.
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[User Picture]From: potlan
2007-02-16 08:43 pm (UTC)
Eat your heart out, Chris Onstad... nothing you can ever do will best the reality of DON'T MESS WITH GRANDMOTHER.

I like the totally inconspicuous review of the book that a certain someone has given it. Unput-downable!
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