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30 July 2007 : BAR-B-Q WEEK, DAY 3: LYING TO THE LIMEYS [Jul. 30th, 2007|08:00 pm]
Pacific Novelties

pacific_novelty

[zartan]
ATTENTION ENGLAND:

Surprisingly, HAV FAITH PRODUCTIONS never went on to make a second movie

These people think you are all idiots.


This is the cover for the British DVD release of Bar-B-Q (here, as in the trailer, spelled "Bar-Be-Q"). Can you spot the blatant fucking lies being told here?

1.) Newsweek is quoted as having called Bar-B-Q "[t]he next funniest movie of the year since 'Friday'". Ignoring for a moment the fact that a copy editor for the fucking Greensheet would have taken a shotgun to that sentence, let's take Bar-B-Q at its word and presume that this is an actual quote from an actual review of the film. Of course, I'd like to read this review, wouldn't you? Let's look up that review in EBSCOhost, which has the full text of every issue of Newsweek since 1990:

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Hmmm. Maybe if I kick it Bar-B-Q Style and play fast and loose with the spelling?

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Okay, fine. Maybe they were just asleep at the wheel, and didn't mention this next funniest movie of the year specifically by its name. Surely, though, they'd have at the very least made note of the fact that the movie Featured Rappers:

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Well I'll be damned—Newsweek never reviewed this ridiculous fucking movie.

2.) The box cover goes on to claim that Bar-B-Q was a "US BOX OFFICE HIT !!"

Except no, it wasn't—it was never even released to theaters. See the little (V) next to the title and release date? That's IMDb notation for "direct to video". The "box office / business" information link further down the page is greyed out, meaning there's nothing there to read because the movie never did any fucking box office. This might be my favorite lie of all re: Bar-B-Q because it's so incredibly fucking brazen. It's not like the Internet wasn't brisk and vibrant in the hazy, distant year of A.D. 2000—even if you didn't look it up on the Internet, US BOX OFFICE HITS !! tend to receive word-of-mouth in other English-speaking countries, no matter how bleak and rainy. If you haven't heard of Bar-B-Q before now?—it's probably for a good reason.

3.) Rolling Out, a magazine I'd never heard of, called Bar-B-Q "[r]aw, witty & boisterously entertaining". I assume the word "raw" was meant in the complimentary sense and not in the sense of "this movie has seen no audio-visual editing from the time it was shot with John West's Sony Handicam to the time it was sloppily transferred to DVD". Anyway, I thought I'd go ahead and try to read that review, too, because I wanted to see and feel what a positive review of Bar-B-Q might actually feel like:

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How odd! I'd have sworn an important, critically aware publication like Rolling Out would be archived in an online database!

In any case, Rolling Out does indeed have a website (turn off your speakers and put on sunglasses before clicking through), complete with searchable archives, but every single mutation of the title Bar-B-Q got me nothin'. Although the chances are indeed quite good that Rolling Out does not maintain an online copy of movie reviews from seven fucking years ago, I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit on this quote, too, since it can't be backed up with a source and Bar-B-Q already has two strikes against it, honesty-wise.

4.) "A HILARIOUS HIP HOP COMEDY !"

Oh no it isn't.



BAR-B-Q WEEK CONTINUES TOMORROW
linkReply

Comments:
From: mia_d
2007-07-31 03:43 am (UTC)
FOOD AND FUN AND HONEYS AND DRAMA AND LIES
(Reply) (Thread)
From: machinegunheart
2007-07-31 02:01 pm (UTC)
But why would England lie to ME?
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zartan
2007-08-01 12:42 am (UTC)
England is just one of those countries that holds a grudge, I guess.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ahamster
2007-07-31 10:22 pm (UTC)
Bar-B-Q needs to be released in Nigeria.

HOW WOULD YOU REACT WHEN YOUR FELLOW MAN & BROTHER DECIDES TO HAVE A BAR-B-Q?
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zartan
2007-08-01 12:45 am (UTC)

COMMENT OF THE DAY RIGHT HERE, PEOPLE

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA YES



Food-related hijinxs are universal.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ahamster
2007-08-01 05:27 am (UTC)

i guess it is an all-anecdote evening

I have had this man at my table when I was a waiter.

"I wan' some fried catfiss." He was in with his mother that day.

"OK well I can ask the cooks, I guess."

The Mexican cooks were not optimistic. "We can make that but it'll taste like shit."

Back to the table. Despite my warning, "Yeah, I'll have the catfiss."

And then, as expected: "This catfiss tas' like shit." He was kind of upset with me. I didn't get much of a tip, and he wound up not paying for the catfish. It was generally a waste of both our time, and now I've wasted yours with it too.

ALSO:

McDonalds will not deep-fry a whole hamburger no matter how much you ask or who you know.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zartan
2007-08-01 02:09 pm (UTC)

Re: i guess it is an all-anecdote evening

I will state for the record, without a trace of sarcasm intended, that tangentially-related shaggy dog stories / anecdotes are among my favorite things.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ahamster
2007-08-02 12:15 am (UTC)

Re: i guess it is an all-anecdote evening

Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)