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30 September 2008: Gamer Grub - Pacific Novelties [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
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30 September 2008: Gamer Grub [Oct. 3rd, 2008|04:43 am]
Pacific Novelties
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Oh ho ho ho oh my

Gamer Grub, the first performance snack formulated especially for gamers



Gamergrub, not yet released, is a food product designed especially FOR GAMERS. LIKE YOU!! Here, let's just let the website describe it because oh ho ho

Gamer Grub, the first performance snack formulated especially for gamers.
Great tasting flavors
Ergonomic packaging
No keyboard crumbs
No greasy fingers
Think fast and win more with Gamer Grub
Gamer Grub is a great tasting snack that boosts your core gaming systems, such as visual input, cognitive processing, signal transmission and muscle reflexes for maximum gaming performance.


Let's take this line by line for a second.

Gamer Grub, the first performance snack formulated especially for gamers

PERFORMANCE SNACK

PERFORMANCE

SNACK

I'm already deducting ten million style points for suspicion that this snack food is FRONTING. But let's go on about how a PERFORMANCE SNACK does a thing or whatever.

Great tasting flavors

Taste is subjective, so I can't tear that apart. But oh ho, let's get into FLAVORS!

So far, there are four: ACTION PIZZA (action pizza! ACTION PIZZA! ACTION FUCKING PIZZA!), RACING WASABI, STRATEGY CHOCOLATE, and SPORTS PB AND J. Considering that I like to play Roleplaying/casual games, I don't know what catagory of food I'm supposed to eat. I guess a handful of action pizza with a few pieces of strategy chocolate if I'm playing Rhapsody, but like five handfuls of racing wasabi and some TIME MANAGEMENT FRENCH FRIES for Diner Dash.

So let's go FLAVOR BY FLAVOR!

ACTION PIZZA

"A great tasting, healthy pizza blend with a satisfying crunch.
The ergonomic container design maximizes fast action dispensing of the tasty treat to curb your hunger while gaming—eliminating the possibility for keyboard crumbs and greasy fingers.

Ingredients: Pizza Cashews & Pitas, Tomato Sesame Sticks, Tomato Almonds, Cheese Pitas and Mozzarella Peanuts"

I'm not going to go into the use of the term "healthy" with something that says it contains PIZZA CASHEWS and MOZZARELLA PEANUTS, but I WILL go into my biggest pet peeve with these fly-by-night cash-in junk-science food snacks: NO REAL NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION ABOUT ANYTHING. What the hell IS a pizza cashew? What constitutes the "pizza" flavoring? Soy? Egg? Dog Piss? You'll never know!. If you've got allergies or just want to make sure you're not eating something that ten thousand times over your MOZZARELLA PEANUT allowance, you know how important real nutrition info is on food websites. For something touting itself as SUPER NUTRITIONAL HEALTHY WILL MAKE YOU HEADSHOT NOOBS GEEK TERMS GUNS HUAGHLHUAGHL it sure doesn't let you know how "healthy" it really is.

RACING WASABI

"Wasabi and honey mustard? Trust us—the combination creates a crunchy, mouth-watering bite. Watch out, it’s addictive!

Ingredients: Wasabi Soy Almonds and Peanuts, Wasabi Peas, Honey Mustard Sesame Sticks and Pita Chips"

FINALLY, some allergen information that isn't actually allergen information. I have no idea what exactly a soy almond is and I'm someone who can identify what your modified food starch is made of just by looking at the country of origin. Also for a product that claims to be CRUMB FREE there sure is a hell of a lot of bread products in these (also meaning I can't eat any of them, WHERE SHALL I GET MY GIMMICKY SHITFOOD NOW GAMER GRUB?)

Strategy Chocolate

"A sweet chocolate and cherry sensation, velvety in taste for deep thought. Tell us how you like it; we ate all our samples.

Ingredients: Almonds, Chocolate Raisins, Cherries, White Chocolate Chips"

Man, it must be good if the people who created it actually ate some of their own product. Also, take note! This is the only product I can eat out of the entire line of GAMER GRUB that I know of, but if this is the same lowgrade bullshit other gimmick-food mixes are, I'm sure that the white chocolate chips are coated in flour just for spite. Also, again for something that claims to not get your fingers greasy, they surehave a product containing greasy candy that has a famously low melting point. G fucking J, Gamer Grub (made by Biosilo foods).

Sports PB&J

"No need to get out of your seat and stop playing to make a PB&J sandwich. Just pop open a can and continue to play. Your taste buds will not know the difference.

Ingredients: Peanuts, Peanut Butter Chips, Strawberry Jelly Chips, Bread Cubes"

Ohhh, trust me, my tastebuds will know. Points off for not mentioning THE BIG GAME anywhere in the copy, even MORE points off for containing Strawberry Jelly Chips and Bread Cubes. Are these cubes hard or soft? If soft, then all I can think of is molding. If hard, then all I can think of is eww eww eww no boo to this. Again, a promise of CRUMB FREE with a NOTORIOUSLY CRUMB FILLED FOOD. Biosilo, your fronting is astoundingly frown city.

Ergonomic packaging

I guess? I am reminded of the late 90's when all food packaging was being designed to have SPORTS GRIP. See: Lays STAX, some stuff probably by pringles, and EVERY SINGLE WATER BOTTLE EVER MADE.

No keyboard crumbs
No greasy fingers


If you want to make a snack food that promises to be sans-grease and breadcrumbs then DON'T MAKE A SNACK WITH CHOCOLATE AND BREAD IN IT OH MY GOD HOW HARD IS THAT

Think fast and win more with Gamer Grub
Gamer Grub is a great tasting snack that boosts your core gaming systems, such as visual input, cognitive processing, signal transmission and muscle reflexes for maximum gaming performance.


They have an entire page on how Gamer Grub is SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN to do whatever the hell it says it can do. Of note is that said page just lists things like ASORBIC ACID and says VITAMIN C IS GOOD FOR GAMING AS ARE THESE OTHER VITAMINS AND MINERALS, EAT YOUR OATMEAL.

You could get the same nutritional value if you took a Centrum Silver and ground it into your Mountain Dew, honestly.

Anyway, long story short this food isn't coming out until 2009 so I'm sure that the makers of GAMER GRUB, Bio Silo Foods, will have a wealth of information about their company and perhaps even the nutritional/allergen info of

WHOOPS

GAMER GRUB: IRRATIONALLY HATED BY PACIFIC NOVELTY SINCE 2008

linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: zoom_gas
2008-10-03 10:05 am (UTC)
what the shit is a jelly chip
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: griphus
2008-10-04 03:46 am (UTC)
I can't fucking believe I know where your icon is from.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: zoom_gas
2008-10-05 09:16 am (UTC)
great scott!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: revbrandon
2008-10-03 10:18 am (UTC)
Bio Silo Foods?
I am certain that we will hear "There's been an accident at BIO SILO FOODS" almost immediately before the whole world goes to hell.

Crumb-free bread and grease-free chocolate? Man was not meant to meddle in God's domain.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: transfestunerix
2008-10-03 05:29 pm (UTC)
My sister tells me about a former "gamer" acquaintance who eats a big bowl of cheddar goldfish in a barbecue sauce-hot sauce mixture, with a spoon. I used to find descriptions of this person hilariously repulsive but it seems he's already beat gamer grub at its own game. You have to when your fingers are naturally greasy.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ariamech
2008-10-03 07:23 pm (UTC)
From what I can tell, the "no greasy fingers" claim is in the same family as those who say drinking from a juice box reduces spills: you're relying on the packaging to keep your fool self tidy for you. In other words, I'm saying it looks like they want you to just open up your Gamer Grub container-unit and knock it back, directly snack-to-mouth with no pesky hands in the way. So I assume, since their site keeps timing out for me.

The concept of "what if your hand jitters a bit and you drop the thing" doesn't seem to come into play.

Also how did you find this.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: griphus
2008-10-04 03:48 am (UTC)
I can't wait until the numerous choking death lawsuits come about.

Meanwhile, this shit looks so unappetizing they have to obscure the contents of the, uh, barrel behind selections.
(Reply) (Thread)